Lately I"ve Been Hard to Reach

"Lately I've been hard to reach

I've been too long on my own

Everybody has their private world

Where they can be alone"

"Are you callling me?

Are you trying to get through?

Are you reaching out to me?

Im reaching out for you"

The lyrics above that you just read are the first couple of verses in Eminem's song "Beautiful." Yes, I know that it is quite odd to see lyrics from Eminem's songs used in a deep meaningful blog but over the past week these opening verses have really explained how I have felt and who I have been. "Lately I've been hard to reach," figuratively speaking I have been hard to reach over the past week because the past week I have been in mental state that I haven't seen since the summer of 2007. My mind has been racing like that of a race horse running in the Kentucky Derby giving it all it has inside to finish first in the race. Questions like "Who is God?, What is God?, Who am I?, What is my purpose?" and many other troubling questions like the ones you see. On Sunday night , March 28, at Downtown Church of Christ, I experienced one of the most uncomfortable situations I have ever been a part of in my 19 years of living on this earth. It was at the time of night when communion was offered and so I stood up, squeezed past people sitting down, and made my way up to the front not knowing what was about to hit me.

As I stood in line waiting to take part in the Lord's Supper this feeling of being severely uncomfortable came upon me. No, it wasn't the fact that I was standing up in front of hundreds of people showing them that I was too lazy to get up earlier that morning to go to church. This feeling of being uncomfortable was pointed in a different direction. I, standing there biting on my nails, began to question "why am I up here? I don't cherish the meaning behind the Lord's Supper, its just some food and a small portion of grape juice to satisfy my stomach until service is over and then I can get some real food." So too make sure that I didn't make myself look like a fool by walking up to the front then randomly walking back to my seat without partaking in communion, I went ahead and ate the bread and drank the juice. Once I was back in my seat where I couldn't feel hundreds of eyes penetrating my skull, I began to question, I began to think. "Who is God?, What is God?, Who am I?, What is my purpose?, Why do I even believe? Or do I truly believe?"

Is what I believe and what I have been taught my whole life fake? It feels like it is to me. God and I haven't been on the same page for awhile. Like I said before, "Lately I've been hard to reach," not by you but by the Almighty Himself, God. I guess you could say that whenever God tried to get in touch with me I just ended up pressing the shady button and ignoring his calls. I didn't want anything or any part in his plan. I wanted to live my own life by my own standards. I'm in college now, I know the answer to everything. I looked at God like the guy that nobody wants to hang out with on the weekends, or when he walks up everyone gets silent because nobody enjoys being around him. Then it hit me like a cannonball being shot out of a cannon. "I've been too long on my own."

I've thought that being on my own, doing things the way i want them to be done, nobody telling me what to do was the right way. I tell you now that doing things on your own is completely ignorant and poor judgment. I was too stupid and too blind to see that but now I understand. Through life you will constantly need someone there to guide you and help you through the tough situations. I realized that I really need God in my life to actually get through it alive and to be truly happy, because thats what we are looking for, we are all on the Pursuit of Happyness. I haven't been truly happy, I thought I was because of the things that were surrounding me, but something was missing. That something was my faith, my religion, my God. But when I realized that that was missing from my life, I saw that I really didn't have faith, a religion, or a God.

So with that I began to question all three of those things that I was lacking. Being in that/this position is a tough position because of the emotions that I have felt over the past few days. Not being able to find the answers to my questions right off the bat frustrated me, and made me angry. At points I caught myself getting mad over the littlest things, and I hadn't done that since that one summer. I find myself back in the summer of 2007. I found myself back on my roof with a clear sky and me looking up in silence not knowing what to think. Finally, I sat up and I prayed for the first time in months. This wasn't a casual "Dear God, Thank you for the trees...blah blah blah" you know what I'm talking about. This prayer was a emotional and draining prayer. Sitting on top of my roof, finished with my prayer, I realized where true happyness is, it is in God. To find happyness, we must find God.

Understand this though, I'm still struggling and will continue to struggle with this but I'am fighting and trying to become a person that God wants me to be. Even if it means giving some things up in order to get to that point, I will do it. This will be a long and hard fought battle. It has only begun but I'm strapped in and ready for the ride. Know that God is reaching out for you, and that you are reaching out for him even if you don't think you are. God is calling you to become something better then you are now. It is up to you to follow that call.

I'm on the Pursuit of Happyness, how about you join me.